wow, I am bad at this

Well, I stink at this whole posting regularly thing. Sorry.
And it is not that is lack of material to write about in my life. There were at least three or four times when I thought, "Ooh! I should blog about that." And now for the life of me, I can't think of what they were!
That and my stupid wrist has been acting up. Curse you tendinitis and double curse you papers and your uncanny ability to eff up my plans!
Life has been really great lately. Besides the end of term rush, things have been running rather smoothly. I finally feel like I managed to get the school/social balance figured out.. again. Papers are getting done, I have had some phenomenal nights with friends. Nights like mojitos night, celebrating the end of term at our local haunt, a non-concert night that turned into a Pride and Prejudice night (BBC style) and other festive activities.
And now I am counting down the days till Christmas! I leave to go to my parents' place on Saturday and I can't wait.
I just love every part of Christmas and the traditions that happen at home. And now that the snow is starting to fall (and stay) it is really beginning to feel like Christmas. This causes me great joy and my friends' endless amusement with my joy. In fact, I am pretty sure that a friend of mine invited me to attend a reading of Dickens' A Christmas Carol just to watch my reaction.
So, on such a happy note, I shall conclude this explanation post. I think I am going to pop in a Christmas movie, while I review some sermons. Tis the season after all!

an open letter

Dear Couple Standing outside my building at 11:30pm,
I am sure that you are a lovely couple. I am sure that you are so in love that it is hard to be apart from each other in the least... even when smoking disgustingly close to the doorway. I respect that love... and may even be slightly jealous. My bone of contention does not lie with your open expression of your relationship through being glued together at the waist.
However, was it really necessary to blow exhale your groddy smoke at me and then proceed to suck face like two high school kids as I walked by? Really? Now I smell like smoke and like slightly voyeuristic. Thanks for the consideration jerks. In the future, please refrain from repeating this situation or else I may be forced to respond with an equally mature response... such as the finger-in-the-mouth-and-loud-gag move. Consider yourself warned
All the best,
Sincerely
Me

le sigh....

So I have a confession; I am really a 13 year old girl trapped in a 23 year old's body. I love Twilight... the whole series.
I blame my friend who introduced me to them. I had heard of the series, but I have this little thing called school that really has a habit of getting in the way of my leisure time reading. So, they kinda stayed off my radar. Anyways, Tiff got me hooked. She lent me the first book the day after my trip to the hospital with a migraine. And while I was still doped up and probably needing to sleep, I started. I stayed up till 3 that night. I just couldn't put it down!

I like this description from Edi Gathegi, who plays Laurent in the hit film Twilight "I didn't read the books beforehand but I flew through them all as soon as I was cast. As soon as Breaking Dawn came out I read that in two days and that's 750 pages! [Stephanie Meyer, the author] wrote some crack! She wrote a drug and America's hooked." It totally what I said. After that first night, I knew I wanted to own the series, and so like an impulsive, crushing teenager, I went out and bought the whole series. (Very stupid to do on a student budget... I know) And I read them all in four days. I have always been bad at delaying gratification. I just couldn't stop.

So this addiction became something that Tiff and I would spent time talking about whenever we were together. We also decided we would see the movie together, and we anxiously awaited.
And tonight was the night... and it was magical. Okay, that's a little over the top. But it was pretty darn close. Edward is just dreamy... there is no other way to describe it. He is the embodiment of.... well, dreamy. Definitely sigh and swoon worthy! Certainly the movie isn't exactly the book, but it is true to the essence of it. The only way to improve it would be if I was the one who starred in it...

And so after much rambling, I end my saddening confession. I have a crush on a fictitious vampire. You think there is any chance that there is one waiting out there for me? Sigh.

finding joy in unexpected places

Colour me surprised. I have actually found a course that has really affected me. Okay that sounds really bad. As a nerd, there have been many classes that have opened my mind, changed the way I look at things, but never have I experienced anything like this.
SO here's the back story; From a young age, I was in choirs at my church. Both my parents are musical and I grew up in a house where it was not out of place to burst into song. However, some point, along the way, I lost that joy that singing used to bring. I began to listen to the voices that told me I was a bad singer (some where my own insecurities, others were siblings who didn't love my frequent singing). And I took it to heart. I was convinced I couldn't sing and that no one would want to hear me. I soon found myself apologising whenever I sang (which actually was pretty frequently when I worked at camp) Soon the happiness and joy was gone. I would do little more than mumble or sometimes just pretend to sing.
Enter in my hymnology course. This course is dedicated to looking at the hymns we sing as a church and what they say about what we believe. And one thing that my prof has continually said is we can all sing and we should do it joyfully... even if it is off-key. And that most of us are not as bad as we think. Every week, he reminds us that our song is a gift of thanks to God and God loves it, no matter what. And then we spend the rest of the class singing together.
And by some miracle I heard what he was saying. I didn't realize I was hearing what Fred was saying, until today. Today for the first time in ages, I sang in church. And man did it feel good. I did it with my whole heart and with no trace of shame. It was so freeing!
In hymnology, we have had to do presentations that have involved singing. Well it hasn't been a requirement, but when one person sets the example, we all tend to follow. The first one I was too nervous to do it in front of the class, so I sang to my prof, Fred, in his office... and by that I mean I sang into the bookshelf while he faced the other way. And then the turning point came last week, when I had to teach the class a global hymn. And so I had to sing them the tune, acappella. So I gridded my loins and had at it. And surprise surprise, it didn't go badly. In fact Fred even asked if I had perfect pitch (I guess I was right on key, with no help... surprise to me too!) But that's not the point. The praise and support of my classmates was nice, but it was the joy that I felt when sang the words "Don't be afraid, my love is stronger" that were the key.
And so today, worship took on a new meaning and special-ness. I found joy in a gift that I hadn't offered to God in a long time.

yes, I am still alive

I know that it has been almost a week since my last post. Let me assure you I am still alive, albeit swamped with school work.
I plan on blogging some this weekend. I am heading to my parents' for a little escape from the city/ my social life. You know the saying "too much ha ha, pretty soon boohoo"? Its beginning to aptly describe my life.
Any who, I have work to do and therefore I must be off.
Blog at you soon

well colour me pleased!

So, the sermon went really well today. I got a lot of positive feedback and support from my classmates. I was totally worried that because there were two other preachers speaking about the same passage that we would end up with three of the same sermons. But those fears were unfounded. Three very very different sermons. Each reflecting their theological traditions. I am so glad that I was well-recieved and that it is all over. Well, besides the part where I have to evaluate my own sermon (they were taped, so I can re-visit this experience, over and over again... woo...)
So as promised, I am posting my sermon. A) Because I am proud of it and B) I said if it went well I would. Hope anyone who reads this enjoys it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will admit that I thought I had really lucked out when I picked this week to preach. The Parable of the Talents, yes! Don’t waste your God-given talents by hiding them in the dirt. The sermon would practically write itself. First, I would need to make sure that the tiny dog now is mine and is not forgotten. Then all I needed to do was add a little flair, a solid exegesis, perhaps a little filler. Mention a doctrine and don’t forget to connect it to the Gospel and badda-boom-badda-bing sermon done. Four short pages away from a stellar sermon. All too soon I would be hearing “Well done good and faithful servant.” Right?
No, not at all. I found it very troubling when I looked at the text more deeply. This familiar parable packs a wallop when attempting to unpack it all. As I began pulling at the text, the simple story of God-given talents came unravelled. I found myself gnashing my teeth as I thought about how to tackle this.
My trouble began as I started to look at the image of the Master. And I am not sure about you, but I wouldn’t want to work under that Master. When charged with being harsh and cruel, the Master does not refute this at all. In fact, his actions only confirm those fears. He takes away the talents and orders the third, “worthless” slave cast into the outer darkness. As if the darkness outside of the joy of the master, wasn’t bad enough, weeping and gnashing the teeth are thrown in for good measure. This master sounds like a nasty guy! Is this supposed to be God? Much like the Parable of the ten maidens from last week, or the parable of the wedding guest, there is no happy ending here. The third servant was only trying to be safe and not disappoint the Master. Was this such a bad idea? Was this punishment deserved? Should he be condemned for being safe?
Likewise, this parable confirms the worrying idea of God as the judge who will condemn for anything less than perfection. If there was ever an example of vertical, top-down judgement, this would be it. This is not the God that Jesus had talked about elsewhere. Where is the loving Father or masterful Creator, or even the Companion Spirit on the way? This is the judge, jury and executioner image of God. The God who keeps a proverbial score board of the right and wrongs of your life. How can anyone live up to that? Ultimately I had to ask where the good news of this parable is.
I remember very distinctly the first time that I heard this parable, at summer camp. I was nine years old and I remember sitting in the Christian Education session, wishing we were still playing soccer-baseball. I can still hear their smooth voice as it re-told the parable. Well I didn’t know what gnashing of teeth was, but I was pretty sure that it was something that I wanted to avoid at all costs. To nine year old Melanie, two things seemed obvious. One: while talent might have meant money back in Jesus time, it clearly could be understood to mean our God-given gifts. And because of this, point two: I did not understand adults. Why would anyone hide their talents, whether they were money or gifts? It seemed all a little ridiculous to me. I was thoroughly convinced that I would never become a silly servant who would hide their talents away.
Although in light of our recent economic plight, maybe the third servant was actually quite wise. By burying his talent, he didn’t have to tell his master that the market bottomed out and that the retirement fund is gone. No need to worry about the plunging dollar, because the talent was safe in the backyard, having lost nothing. Maybe the third servant should become an economic advisor during our troubling times! I kid!
I wish I could say that nine year old Melanie was right, that I never became like the third servant. But alas, we can all think of the ways that we have done that. As we grow, and experience the world, we become separated from the best part of us. We learn about mistakes, and their consequences. We learn to fear failure. To fear messing up, to be found less than adequate. At some point we start to doubt the source and doubt the gifts. We become separated from the child-like heart that can accept the gifts from God and isn’t afraid to share them. We get hurt and bear the marks of these fears; we become broken. And we do it to ourselves. Thus the darkness and gnashing of teeth that the third servant experiences is not a result of a judging master, rather the logical consequence of his own actions. If you don’t use a limb, what happens? Atrophy sets in. Use it or you lose it as the saying goes. The servant created a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby he designed the hell that he was cast into. Much like the wedding guest who showed up with the wrong clothes, or the unprepared maidens, when we choose not to receive the provisions given to us, we remove ourselves from the celebration. We do it to ourselves.
This is not the end of the story however. There is good news here. Let’s go back once more. Instead of focusing on the ending, let’s turn our attention to the beginning. What is it that separates the other servants from the unwise one? All three receive the talents. The Master is gracious in the giving. But their response to the gracious giving of the talents is what sets them apart. They understood that the talents were given to be used, not buried. The third servant let his fear control him and prevent him from using the gift that was given to him. Just as we create our own places of darkness, we too create the kingdom of God when we act without fear and live into the promise of transformation. A transformation from our broken fear into wholeness. God gives graciously to all, inviting us to respond and live into the promise of resurrection, a promise of communal renewal and transformation.
Preacher Leonard Sweet describes this parable as one that is not about the extravagance of the gift of the talents, rather a tale about the empowerment of the servants to respond and risk using their gifts. Sweet says “The parable of the talents is less about using your talents wisely than it is about risking all for the master. The hundredfold increase of talents for those servants who risked everything isn't a lesson in wise money management. Instead it's a call to step out beyond the safe avenues, the accepted lifestyles, with the trust that putting everything in the hands of God is the best investment we can make. Only by giving everything over, only by putting ultimate control beyond our short reach do we find the joy that Jesus' parable promises.” The first two servants responded to the grace of giving by knowing that they needed to risk using it and thus were blessed and transformed. And is that not the hope of resurrection? A process of transformation in the name of God through the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit.
Perhaps the childlike view that thought it was silly to hide our talents had it right all along. When we embrace the grace by which God gives us our gifts, we are called to respond in grace. If the first two servants hadn’t doubled their talents, would they have been rejected? I believe that they still would have been welcomed and praised by the Master for their efforts. God does not demand perfection, but God does desire our whole selves. And our whole selves are not ones that hoard, bury or hide. Rather we are whole when we live into an attitude of risk and trust. It is in trying that the promise begins to be fulfilled. Like the tiny mustard seed, it takes only our choice to try rather than shutting down for amazing things to happen.
We will find abundance when we respond without fear. Just like the unwise servant, if we bury our gifts, we gain nothing. But when we risk it, we become active agents in the creation of the kingdom of God here on earth. Our talents are not our possession, but are gifts that are given to us. They only become real when we share them with others. And as we take the risk to use them even a little, we will be empowered to us them more. Because there is a joy in using our gifts for the common good. That’s what they were given for. It is in using our gifts we life our life’s calling, our life-meaning. Think about how a child receives a gift: they rip it open with joy and delight, take it out and use it and share it. We can return to that child-like joy, getting in touch with our childlike heart that chooses to risk because of the knowledge of grace.
After all, who did it that Jesus said would enter into the kingdom? In Mark 10:15 he says “For I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom as a little child will never enter it.” God has blessed us with gifts and God gives us the grace we need to use them and enter into the realm of the joy of the master, the living kingdom of God. When we respond with the attitude of risk and daring, perhaps we too will hear the words we long hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”. Well Done.

You do it to yourself, you do...

bah! Why do I stress myself out to the point of migraines?
I have been up since 5, aching because I spent last night stressing about my in-class sermon on Thursday. In fact, I re-wrote the thing last night and still wasn't happy with it. I ended up spending time deconstructing it with my Mom last night... not to mention shedding a few tears over it myself.
And the funny thing is, there is no need for me to be this worked up. Yes, it is a big deal. But it is not make or break in my career. If I get a decent mark as opposed to a stellar mark, no one will know but me. So why do I care so much?
Part of it is the over-achiever in me... part of it is the pressure I feel (real or imagined) to live up to my mom. She went to school with and was/is friends with my Homiletics prof, who will be marking this sermon. I feel like there is going to be some comparison and that makes me a wee bit nervous.
Ultimately, this stressing has got me nowhere... as usual. It is like a rocking chair, it gives me something to do, but gets me nowhere in the mean time.
I know that my wrestling with this sermon is going to make it a better one, and that this is all part of the process of honing my skills. Maybe that is the lesson that I need to take from this. It is not a sign that I am a bad preacher or that my sermon is going to suck tomorrow, but a sign of living into my call to ministry....
Wish me luck tomorrow when I actually preach this bad boy. Depending on how it goes, I may even post it on here

weekend update

okay, I know it is Monday. But for me, the week doesn't start till Tuesday, so it makes perfect sense that I would be doing my weekend update now.
Well my trip to Winners was a wonderful success. Two new shirts for pretty cheap! I was excited. I do loves me some Winners.
The real fun however was Jess's birthday celebration on Saturday night. Man, it was a good time. Lots of friends from undergrad came to town to help celebrate our dear Kimball. She and Jenn crashed here post-bar and it was just like old times. Gotta love the lazy Sundays when you wake up and veg. I fear those Sundays are drawing to a close for me. Sigh, I suppose the minister should show up... dang what have I got myself into?

We had so much fun, even though the bar played craptacular music. Even though I got 3/4 of a beer dumped on my lap. Even though, I should not be allowed to text message when I have... embidded any alcohol (sorry to my poor friend to who recieved all those texts... opps). Even though it took us an hour to get home... stupid Toronto and your lack of cabs.
You know a night is going to be solid when the conversation starts with the American election (specifically bashing stupid Palin), moves to Dave Matthews and closes with a good ol' fashion seperation of the guys in the tv room and the ladies in the kitchen. wait, that sounds sexist... it really isn't. the kitchen was just bigger and didn't have guys talking about hockey.
So Saturday was epic, and Sunday ws low-key. Nothing like a Roswell marathon with Tiff to help you recover.
I seriously have the best friends! They make my life so much better!

getting ready for the gong show!

Tonight a whole whack load of friends from undergrad are coming to Toronto to celebrate my friend Jess's birthday. And man am I pumped. It is always good times with these guys. How knows what adventures we can get into.
I am also hosting the post-bar slumber party, which is tres exciting! I have spent the day thus far fine-tuning the cleaning that I did earlier this week. p to the s, Toronto is the dustiest city EVER!
Now I shall turn the clean up process on myself. I always amazed the amount of time that it takes me to get ready. (Not that it even really gets me anywhere... besides a nice little boost in my confidence) I think I am going to head to Winner's and see if there is anything cute for me to wear out tonight. It feels like a new outfit kind of night.
I will report back on my hunt for something cute.
Wish me luck

kindly read between the lines and eff off!

So, first off congrats to America and to the incumbent President Obama. I am really impressed and excited to see what this will bring. At school today, people were buzzing about it. In fact, my worship prof was so excited that we opened class by singing a three-part Alleluiah round. It was actually rather impressive... sounded pretty dang good!

Now to the meat of today's post: I need to vent!

I love my friends, but sometimes I want to kick them in the collective junk. Okay, maybe that is an over-generalization. Let me lay the stage for you:

So I am co-chair of community life at my school. This means that I am responsible for ensuring that there are a variety of community building activities that happen at the school through out the year. One medium are educational events called colloquium. They are educational forums that happen and are meant to enhance the learning that happens in these hallowed halls.

Today was a colloquium on Stewardship, being run by a committee from the National church. They had approached us in the summer to run this and basically told me and my co-chair that we just needed to be around and help with the small details, they would handle the rest.

Fast-forward, months later (aka today) and the advertising that they promised didn't happen, and we were left out in the dark. So understandably I was a little worried about turnout from the get go. It is November after all and we all have just a few papers due. To add insult to injury, the committee showed up early and were trying to set up in the chapel while my class was in there having tutorial (we were doing baptisms today... so freaking cool by the way) Needless to say, this really pissed off the TA. Ultimately this lead to a blowout between the TA and the committee leader, leaving me feeling like I needed to mediate it for some reason.

So I am clearly dealing with a little stress and trying to hide it at this point, as people are arriving for the lunch. Now two of my closest friends from school came to the lunch and were sitting with me. They were only coming to the lunch, not the rest of the event and were being rather loud and somewhat rude about it (in my opinion). So here I was in a side-conversation with one of the guests from the committee, and my friend decides to start ragging on me about the disposable plates that the committee is using. Now I am really in a rock or hard spot. I agree with him about the plates but I can't say anything because the person I am talking is the one who choose the disposable plates. It was not my choice and I would have liked to say that. I was pissed because I can't properly explain that it was not my fault, and that I was ticked he was even mentioning it. I shot him a warning look, thinking he knows me and would know not to push it. Guess I gave him too much credit and he kept pushing. SO I responded, saying "Don't push me right now. Leave it alone" In my head, I was yelling a very impressive strain of cuss words at him.

He got the picture at that point. (He still made the comment that he wanted to get me to be angry enough to punch him... I was less than impressed by that) I was so ticked that he wouldn't realize that I was stressed and that maybe pushing me at that point was not the wisest move. I am not exactly a hard person to read. Or so I thought. My friend and I have since talked: we both apologised. Me for snapping at him with anger that wasn't necessarily related to that situation, and him for not knowing I was stressed. I guess I am getting better at hiding when I am stressed...a very good thing. Not everyone needs to know my every feeling. Either I am getting better or he just said that to get out of trouble... hmm. ha ha!

So that was my day... oh ya, I had some class too. Sorry for the lengthy diatribe on stupid fights

just a thought

I have some of the best friends ever.
I had a wonderful weekend, celebrating being caught up on my school work, filled with hanging out with my friends.
You can't go wrong.

Here are some pics.

The second one is a group shot at Stace's Halloween party

The first one is my friend, who was dressed as Jesus and I on our way into another party

The clean house correlation

So today was a clean up of massive proportions. We are talking about cleaning for hours on end... from one end of the apartment to the other.
I no longer had use of my desk, my kitchen table, the floor of my closet, the chair by my window and my kitchen sink. Ya... I am disgusting!
When the rest of my life gets crazy, I tend to let my living space fall to the wayside. When it takes so much energy to get through what I need to get through, I just don't care enough to hang up my pants at the end of the day. I always here my mother's voice saying "Touch it once" but I can never bring myself to actually do it. Fast-forward several weeks and all my pants are on the floor of my walk-in closet and I can't get to the few clothes that are left hanging.
And part of me does love the feeling of satisfaction of cleaning, sorting and organizing. It is a sense of accomplishment that is tangible and visible.
I do, however, hate letting it get to the point that it is stressing me out to come home. Usually my messiness starts as a symptom of stress, but when it becomes a cause, I am in trouble. Hence today's massive clean.
But boy do I feel good. My apartment was the last visible sign of how damn crazy my life has been as of late, and I am happy to see it go.
I feel like I am back on track again. No migraines for two weeks now, assignments and tests are all caught up on, Community Life events are going well, and now I have a clean house.
Here's hoping that I can remember that my living space can and does affect my stress levels... and I can avoid having to spend multiple hours re-settling my life.

breaking out the winter coat today

wha? it's still October for Pete's sake!

wait a second...

Isn't prayer that is supposed to happen from the heart, not under the pressure of an assignment?
Oh school, you make me laugh.

Thoughts on weather changes

Dear Changing Seasons,
You are very pretty. I am particularly fond of the way you change the trees to pretty fall colours. Your cooler temps allow me to break out my new fall sweaters and finally feel relief from the summer humidity.
However, I am not a fan with the way that you playing with the barometric meter in my head. I am sure if you knew the migraines you were giving me, you wouldn't be putting me in this position. Right? I am sure that if you knew, the whole hospital trip that I had to endure last week could have been avoided.
I have hesitated saying anything, knowing that it isn't all about me. However, I can no longer ignore the ramifications this is having in my scholastic endeavours. If things don't change, I fear I will begin cursing you every time I see a changing tree, knowing a migraine could be lurking around the corner
Let's not let this change the rest of our relationship. Please just stop changing so much and we will be great.
Thank so much
Sincerely
Me

a little introvert coming through

so now that I have started, I just want to keep writing.
I guess that's because this year has been pretty crazy thus far. Balancing five master's level courses, being the co-chair of community life at school, starting and ending a relationship, dealing with family illness, struggling with my own migraines in that and everything else that life can throw at me.
And despite of all of that, I have had the best fall yet. I came back to the city after the most wonderful summer and for the most part that vibe has continued.
I am loving living in my first "big girl" apartment, as I like to call it. As an extravert, I have always loved living in community. In fact, until I was in second year university, I had never had a room to myself. And now, in my second year of my Masters, this is the first time that I have lived on my own truly. I was worried I would be dreadfully lonely, or that I would suddenly be dropped by my friends because I wasn't right there (OK, maybe not the most rational of fears but since when are fears and insecurities rational?) And yet I love it! My inner introvert is rejoicing. I love coming home and being able to shut the world out with the twist of a lock. That sounds a whole lot meaner that what I meant. I am just finding that alone time isn't as scary as I thought, and is quite fulfilling.
Well, I suppose I should move onto the more productive things in my life that need to happen. Like school work, cleaning my black hole of an apartment (its starting to worry me a little. How did it get in such a state?) and maybe some grocery shopping. It can't be healthy the amount of sushi I have been eating.

Well this has been a long time coming...

And so I have broken down.
I have been encouraged by many of my friend's to start a blog, several times. Now whether that is because they would read my blog, or if it was a hope that I would vent more of my feelings here and less to them, who knows? (man, I hope it is because I would write a half decent blog... not the second option)
And so here I go. I am pretty excited about this. I have always been a writer and have stopped writing... well that is if you don't count my countless essays. Writing was always a passion, something that helped me gain clarity, charging me up. Okay, okay, it was also a means of living out my over-active imagination and hopeless romantic nature. And I have missed it. And so, I guess this is my first step back into the realm of writing.
Here's hoping this all goes well!